Saturday, March 5, 2011

Running Humor, Courtesy of Mom

My Mom sent me a funny email last week and followed it up with an even funnier clipping in the mail that I know you all will enjoy. I've mentioned before that my Mom has taken up running in the past year or so. She primarily plays golf and tennis but is starting to run more and more. I knew she is no longer "just running" and has actually become "a runner" when she included this in her email:

"A milestone: I broke a spring on one of the YakTrax. See - I HAVE been running."

She then went on to write:

"Have you ever read The Non Runner's Marathon Guide for Women? And before any rumors get started, I AM NOT TRAINING FOR A MARATHON. And if I ever considered it, I would unconsider it after reading this book. However, it is the absolute funniest book I have ever read."

To which I responded:

"I hate to break it to you, but even thinking about or joking about running a marathon means you are one step closer to doing so. If you ever catch yourself saying 'I would never run a marathon' then you know you are in trouble:)"

Mom mailed me the "Should I Train For a Marathon" test from the aforementioned book. And it is hilarious! If the rest of the book is anything like this, I think it's a must read! For your reading, pleasure, here's the quiz:

"True or False

1. I have no real need to get anywhere when I run. I enjoy running for hours only to end up in the same place I started. T/F

2. Any sport in which people have been known to literally die of exhaustion while participating is just the kind of sport I've been looking for. T/F

3. I enjoy eating as many calories as I want and not gaining any weight. T/F

4. I'm interested in finding out exactly how many muscles I have in my legs. T/F

5. I have no problem being athletically inferior to someone twice my age. T/F

6. I've been sleeping in way too much, so I've been looking for something to take up a few hours on my Saturday mornings. T/F

7. I want to perfect the art of peeing in a shrub without being seen by anyone. T/F

8. My knee joints are overrated. T/F

9. I have no stairs in my home. T/F

10. Sometimes, when I'm driving long distances of, say, fifteen miles or more, I feel the overwhelming urge to pull my car over and simply run the rest of the way. T/F

11. I have a very good health plan. T/F

Multiple Choice

12. For a good time I prefer to

a. Eat tacos

b. Watch TV

c. Watch TV while eating tacos

d. Run around in circles for four hours

13. I prefer outfits that are

a. Flattering

b. Inexpensive

c. Not full of holes

d. Skin-tight and rash-inducing

14. One of my favorite things is

a. Sleeping in on Saturday morning

b. Walking up a flight of stairs without taking a break in the middle

c. Having all my toenails intact

d. Training for a marathon

If you answered "True" to Numbers 1-11 and "D" to Numbers 12-14, you are ready to train for a marathon! And to begin some sort of psychotherapy. So strap on those shoes, grap your water bottle, and job down to your shrink's office. It's training time!"

The book goes on to say that if the quiz didn't help you decide whether to train for a marathon, consider the below pros and cons:

"Pro: I'll develop rock-solid abs

Con: I'll need extra-strength ibuprofen

Pro: I'll have a sense of accomplishment after I run

Con: I'll have a sense of burning from all the chafing after I run

Pro: I'll make new friends

Con: I'll have limited time to spend with any friends because I'll be hospitalized with dehydration

Pro: I'll be in the best shape of my life

Con: I'll be in the most pain of my life

Pro: I'll pay tribute to my grandfather

Con: I'll have to pay someone to run the second half of the marathon for me

Pro: I will challenge myself

Con: I may hurt myself

Pro: I'll raise money for a worthwhile cause

Con: I may become a worthwhile cause after I fall into a sweat-induced coma

Pro: I will get to shop for new clothes

Con: I will be made to wear spandex

Pro: I will gain respect (my own and other people's)

Con: I will gain blisters (in unfortunate and uncomfortable places)

Pro: Seriously, did I mention the abs?"

The book goes on to say:

"Below is space for you to complete your own pro/con list. You might want to take yours a little more seriously than the one I've outlined above because science has proven that sarcasm loses its potency about 10.3 minutes into training. (That fact actually turned out to be the biggest con on my list.) But all kidding aside, the ab muscles are definitely a pro."

Hilarious! And thanks to Mom for starting my Saturday off with a good laugh:)


  1. Funny comments from your mom - love it!

  2. I wonder if your Mom will join you in an upcoming marathon...

  3. this is awesome. thanks for sharing :)

  4. Very funny! And I completely agree with your assessment that saying, "I would never run a marathon like THOSE crazy people" means you are one step closer to doing so! Love it!